I think I can speak for many of my friends and family when I say they were surprised when I fell in love and married a man that had a child from a previous marriage. Always known as the "I want a career" and "I want to change the world" woman, suddenly entering a ready-made family was not in the family predictions for my future. I not only fell in love with my dashing husband, but I also fell in love with his mini-me, Jayden. With soft blond hair and piecing blue eyes, the boy looks and acts like his charismatic dad. Quickly approaching four years old, he's all arms and legs, and has no fear when it comes to adventures. When James and I got married last year, we were blessed to have him spend time with us and celebrate together. The majority of the time taken off from both of our jobs was spent either traveling to Germany and back or making memories with Jayden, which daily consisted of Nerf wars and Star War battles, as well as practicing counting by rolling yard dice or reading with stories.
Being a 'step' mom carries with it many stereotypes, all negative, which I've suffered the brunt of even from my own sister. With her own experience as a step mom, and being blessed with two more children later, I truly believed I would receive support and inspiration on how to balance life and create an amazing journey for all my children, as they come. However, due to her having a bad experience with her birth children's step mom, I often was treated or spoken to in an unkind way as she projected her hurt onto me. That's unkind and unfair, and more hurtful than words can say. As I have entered into this new-type family, I have been very careful to respect roles and honor who each parent is. I think Jayden's mom, and step-dad, have done a great job with Jayden. He's super smart, kind and adventurous. But just as much as I am proud of how well they have begun to raise him, I also am excited to participate in his life. I knew when I married James, this was a package deal.
When I first met Jayden's mother, and step-dad, it was awkward, as expected. But we each agreed that we would do what is best for Jayden, despite personal feelings and struggles. As parents, all four us have a job to do. That job is to make sure Jayden grows up peacefully and joyfully and that we create a life that is as fair for him as possible. None of us ever wanted to be in this situation, no one ever would. But we are, and as uncomfortable as it is, we must always strive to do what is best for our child. James and I care just as much as Jayden's mom and step-dad, however we do not have the joy of participating in his every day life. His happiness, his sadness, good times and bad, we do not get to experience on a daily, or even monthly basis. His education and core memories, we are barely able to participate in. This is the cost of co-parenting internationally, much less when you're a military family with full-time jobs.
I think our situation is unique, but not without it's own blessings. Each of us are followers of Christ, each of us have traveled or lived overseas for a portion of our lives, and I honestly believe that if we weren't in this situation, we would all be close friends. But as with all things parenting, everyone has an opinion, and in this case, it's multiplied. One thing I made clear to my family and something James and I discussed is that how Jayden is raised and how we handle this is between us an and Jayden's other parents. We have no desire for Jayden to see any of bickering over him, as children often begin to believe that they are the problem, when that's never the case. My parents, and extended family have no place in James and my relationship, nor in Jayden. they can love and care for us. Visit and pray for us. But for either of our families to attempt to call the shots on something that is our own responsibility to take care of is something James and I made a strict rule about.
At the end of the day, Jayden has two sets of parents. For good or bad, it's our job to turn that into the best possible blessing. We all care about Jayden as our #1 priority and each must strive to go out of our way in order to ensure he is loved by all us throughout the year.
Anyway...those are my thoughts, through my looking glass...
xoxo
Ashley
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